Secretary of Warblers by Matt Poll

“No, Secretary Dunn, that’s not a mistake. The new guidance from President Muir couldn’t be clearer,” Jane said in an icy monotone, then tilted the computer monitor back towards Dunn.

“So a further failure to…a failure…” Secretary Dunn pinched the bridge of his nose as he read from the screen.

“You’re almost there. Shall I read it for you? A further failure to meet the quarterly quotas will result in the summary execution of the secretary responsible, as well as that secretary’s immediate staff, effective immediately, under the emergency climate measures authority granted by Rachel Muir, Provisional President of the Union of Northeastern America.”

“So she’s going to…have me shot if I don’t meet my quotas? How am I…in my last department we missed our quotas because…it wasn’t fair, I was dropped into it halfway through the quarter, of course we missed quotas. I used to be the CEO of a car company. How am I supposed to know about…frogs, or…Warblers?”

“Right. Your stint as Undersecretary of Amphibians was pitiful. You’re lucky you were reshuffled here. Just think of the Warblers as widgets. Plug them into those equations you learned in business school. And by the way, re-tasked CEOs are no longer being shot, I’m sure you know that. It was seen as being too quick,” Jane said.

“But I can’t control if birds die or not.”

“Oh, but you can. Most migratory birds are killed by cats, windows strikes, and habitat loss. If I have to do your job for you, it means you aren’t needed.”

“I don’t know anything about migration, about habitat loss,” Dunn said.

“Of course you know about habitat loss. You used to fight so hard to get environmental restrictions rolled back. Now just go ahead and do that in reverse.”

“But I don’t know, that was all just politics, moving money around, greasing palms, slashing regulations. Why don’t you just ask the experts on…”

Jane stooped and whispered venom into Dunn’s ear.

“We can’t ask the experts on migration, or the habitat loss experts, Dunn, because your president rounded up all the intellectuals…put all the scientists in those camps down in Georgia, remember? And I didn’t hear you complaining then. I saw you on TV, smiling and laughing with your president. No more regulations, hurray!”

“But it was just business, we just…we had to go along. We didn’t want to—”

“Yes, you had to increase the profits every quarter for your shareholders, and for your politicians. Well now you have to decrease mortality in migrating Warblers, so that’s all you should worry about. I’ll leave you the dossiers and contact info for the Secretaries of Flycatchers and Vireos. They are the former CEOs of Amazon and Chevron, respectively. Do you know why you should work closely with them?”

Jane dropped two thumb drives next to the keyboard. Dunn’s elbows were on the desk, his chin resting in both hands. He whimpered and shrugged.

“Because those birds all eat flying insects,” Jane said slowly.

Secretary Dunn looked up at her, tears clotting in his eyes.

“And what else eats flying insects, Secretary Dunn? You should really know this by now.”

“Warblers?” the man sobbed.

“Bingo. Now get busy. Your Warblers will start migrating north in a few weeks. You’d better find a way to pump those numbers up.”

Jane Carson, Minister of Songbird Migration, walked out of Dunn’s office. The barred door locked behind her.

§

Secretary of Warblers Dunn did not meet his quotas for that quarter. It took his execution, and that of the three Secretaries of Warblers that followed before the populations of migrating Warblers finally increased again.

Matt Poll has spent most of the past decade in South Korea, and has written a memoir about the challenging life of a foreign birdwatcher there. When not lurking in the bushes, he can be found working on a series of tales that combine birds and the supernatural. You can discover more of his birding and travel writing at his blog: https://snowyowllost.blogspot.com/.