In Defense of the Empty Chaos Required for Adequate Preparation by Erika Meitner

(June 16, 2017)

When the (white) man at the pool says
my (black) son reminds him of his youngest and asks
how old is he, eight? I say, no, four and I am not
flattered but terrified of the implications because
in study after study the average age overestimation

for black boys exceeded four years, because black boys
are viewed as adults by white undergraduates white
police officers white suburban residents at the age of
ten they lose the protection afforded to them by
assumed childhood innocence ten ten ten my older

(white) son is ten and still struggles to tie his shoes
sometimes curses loves Minecraft and cheese and
catching newts was not sent home from Nature Camp
this week for writing Snoop Dog and Smoke Pot on
his newspaper craft project but the director spoke

with me at pickup and we laughed and he said I didn’t
do stuff like that until eighth grade and I was still mortified
that this (white) biologist thought I was maybe a terrible
(white) mother (white) pothead (white) something
so when I call home to see what else we need at Target

I am always calling home from the aisles of [insert
store here there is always something we need] and
Steve says get extra water guns—they’re all broken—
the kids like the ones with pump action best
and though they have bright orange safety tips

and though they look nothing like actual firearms
with their Nerf logo stamped on the side and their
white and blue and green neon plastic I hesitate
I stand in the aisle staring at the Super Soaker
package with the giant wave and the white boy

on the front aiming his hands his gun straight at me
I stand and stand in the aisle I can’t help it
(Microburst2 Blasts up to 33 feet / Also look for
Freezefire BottleBlitz / Do not aim at eyes or face /
TO AVOID INJURY: Use only clean tap water)

To avoid injury to avoid unconscious dehuman-
ization to make sure you see my son as a person
to make sure you see my son as a child he is four
he is not eight he is four he is big for his age yes
he is not likely to bring violence to your neighborhood

the study describes use of force as takedown or
wrist lock as kicking or punching as striking with
a blunt object as using a police dog or restraints
or hobbling as using tear gas or electric shock
or killing on the radio the cop who shot Philando

Castille is found not guilty his girlfriend’s child
who was in the back seat when he was shot
who was four years old then is named Dae’Anna
and you can hear her on the tape after Philando
is shot after her (black) mother is down on her knees

in handcuffs you can hear the (black) child saying
It’s ok mommy…it’s ok, I’m right here with you
she is tender with her mother preternaturally
calm she is four and only dehumanization not
police officers’ prejudice against blacks—conscious

or not—was linked to violent encounters with black
children in custody according to the study

Erika Meitner is the author of five books of poems, including Holy Moly Carry Me (BOA Editions, 2018), Copia (BOA Editions, 2014), and Ideal Cities (HarperCollins, 2010), which was a 2009 National Poetry Series winner. She is currently an associate professor of English and the creative writing programs director at Virginia Tech.