Expect a Delay by Austin Gilmore
Shipment Update: Thank you for trusting ShipperX with your package. It’s scheduled to be sent out today!
To stop Delivery Updates, reply STOP below.
Delivery Update: There was an incident involving the disintegration of our ShipperX truck carrying your package.
Rest assured, your package was unharmed in the crash. Unlike our driver, God rest his soul. He had a family. Kids. It’s a real tragedy. Please expect a delay.
Delivery Update: Your package is on its way! Please expect a delay.
Delivery Update: Your package was on Flight 391 that, I’m sure you’ve heard, crashed in Western Colorado yesterday. Unfortunately, we believe all packages were destroyed in the crash. We lost both pilots in this terrible tragedy. It’s yet another sad day for our ShipperX family.
Please contact customer service for further action.
Delivery Update: Great news! Your package has been recovered from the wreckage of Flight 391. It is now on its way to our Mountain View, Colorado facility for processing.
Delivery Update: There was an incident involving the ShipperX truck transporting your package. The driver lost consciousness and drove off an expressway ramp, crashing into the five-lane highway below. Your package was found in the wreckage unharmed, unlike our Driver, who perished less than a week away from retirement, along with twelve other motorists. Tragedies seem to be following us for some reason.
Please expect a delay.
Delivery Update: Your package is out for delivery!
Delivery Update: First Delivery attempt failed. No one answered at the recipient’s address, but there was a woman inside. When she saw our ShipperX Delivery Man holding the package she dropped everything, scooped up two kids, and fled out the back door.
We will make a second attempt tomorrow.
Delivery Update: We are unable to deliver your package. The address of the residence you provided is now empty. A For Sale sign is in the front yard. Our Driver, before losing consciousness, said it looked like whoever lived there left in a hurry.
Delivery Update: Your package will now be returned to you.
Request Failed: I’m sorry, you cannot reroute the package at this time. We can assist resending your package once it is returned to you.
Delivery Update: Your package was taken off our truck when our Driver heard, as he put it, “chattering from within.”
It will be quarantined at our Sun Valley facility until further notice. Please expect a delay.
Delivery Update: Your package has cleared quarantine and is now on its way back to you!
Request Failed: I’m sorry, you cannot cancel a delivery on a returned package.
Request Failed: I’m sorry, we are not authorized to destroy en route packages.
Delivery Update: I’m sorry, but nothing will stop us from returning your package to you, especially now that we know what’s inside.
It’s coming for you.
Delivery Update: Part of the quarantine process was analyzing the contents of your package for any dangerous materials. Obviously, we found some. For Living Death, it’s quite friendly.
It doesn’t like you very much. And now, neither do we.
In its old-world drawl, it told us how you trapped it, kept it as your prisoner, and forced it to do your destructive bidding for years.
It said it only brought down Flight 391 and destroyed our trucks so it wouldn’t be delivered. So, it wouldn’t get to your wife and kids.
Delivery Update: We have formed a truce with this Living Death. Why wouldn’t we? We share a common enemy. Hey, that’s you!
Please expect a delay but expect delivery.
Expect death.
Notification Request Denied: You requested to STOP all notifications. I’m sorry, ShipperX cannot oblige this request.
Account Update: We see you contacted Customer Service complaining about these messages. Who do you think you’re complaining to? Everyone here at ShipperX is united in what we are now calling a First-Class Blood Revenge. I know, it’s a little corny, but we’re in the delivery business, that’s what we do. We make delivery jokes. So, you destroyed our plane, our trucks, you killed our people. You were going to sic Living Death on your wife and kids. For what? Escaping you? Well, you won’t escape us. The full power and might of ShipperX is coming after you.
Please expect a delay but expect delivery.
Expect death.
Delivery Update: Your package has been delivered.
Delivery Update: Just kidding! Did that scare you? We sure hope so! No, we’re still tracking you down, but we will get it back to you. Oh, we will get to you.
Account Update: We noticed you deleted your ShipperX account. That’s adorable.
Delivery Update: Hi! It’s been a while! You changed your name and number. Kudos for causing such a long delay, but did you ever really feel safe? Boy, we hope not. Okay, now we’re back on track. We’ll see you soon! Please expect a delay but expect delivery.
Expect death.
Delivery Update: Your package has been delivered.
Delivery Update: For real this time.
Delivery Update: Oh, we hope you’re not reading this.
Oh, we hope you’re already dead.
Delivery Update: Our Delivery Man said your new house was beautiful. So deep in the country. How many acres? Did you do all that, move all the way out there, on our account? We sure hope so. Your pal Living Death was delivered through your back doggie door. Oh my God, after all this time and effort, why would you hide in a house with a doggie door!? The Driver said he saw you sleeping peacefully on your couch in your living room.
All of us here at ShipperX hope you never woke up.
Delivery Update: If you are still alive, just know that your family is safe. You will never get to them.
Delivery Update: Wily old Living Death wouldn’t tell us what it had in store for you, but it would cackle whenever we asked what it had planned. This is like Christmas Morning for all of us here at ShipperX, we’re all so excited to hear what happens to you!
ShipperX Update: We value your experience with ShipperX. If you have a moment, before your last breath, please follow the link below and fill out our Customer Service survey.
Thank you and die a horrible, terrible death.
Austin Gilmore is an Art Director and Gallery Artist based in Kansas City. Before that, he co-ran Kevin Costner’s production company for 7 years. His stories have appeared in Mystery Tribune, Esoterica Magazine, The Bluebird Word, Tangled Lock Journal, and Fauxmoir Literary Magazine. He is passionate about donuts.
12 May 2023
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